I'm not going home for Christmas this year. We're not going to Nathon's either. We're staying home so we can have our very own Christmas for the first time, in our own house, together, alone. i know it will be amazing and beautiful.
BUT....
But my mum wants me to come home. She's afraid of looking worse than my mother-in-law so she's doing a more subtle number than she normally would. So far for the past three months EVERY conversation we have has a mention of what I'm doing for Christmas... she's tried coaxing me with gifts and shopping, tried to guilt me with 'I can't buy things on my own for Christmas' which is horse hooey because even when I help her shop she never listens to me anyway. She's tried to guilt me into coming becuase if I don't my dog may die before I get back home (he's not knocking on heavens door, apart form a managable pooper problem he's A+ healthy). She even made me feel guilty for leaving her alone at Christmas with dad, who is the Grinch who ignored Chrismas completely. But heck, she married him. She stayed with him when she knew it would have been better for her and I to not be with him anymore. She took him back after that stupidity he pulled. Its her fault she's stuck with him, I'm not responsible for my parents' marriage or my mother's happiness (especially when she won't even take any responsability for it herself).
Am I wrong for this? I feel bad, sure, I was raised to believe everythign was my fault and my mother's unhappiness was my fault always. So I'm going to feel bad, there's no getting around that (but I'm woring on it!) But I mean, I'm still going to spend Christmas here, with Nathon. It would take hell freezing over before I'd give in and give up my perfect Christmas to go back there and be insulted and whinged at for goodness only knows how long because I'm not a stick insect, because Gid forbid I kiss and hug my fiance, and becuase my hair is long and mum prefered the goth bob. Arggh. I want to have a happy Christmas just once. I want to decorate our tiny tree with Nathon, unwrap our gifts together early in the morning, make a huge Christmas lunch, stay in and ignore the world together.

Is it so wrong that I want to live my own life, instead of being a mechanism to make my mother happy after she's realized she's all alone and made some bad choices?? She has to live her own life, and she tells me I have to live mine, but I think she means only when she doesn't decide she wants me around.