After spending three days together with no time limit, no bedtime, nowhere to be, just reconnecting and relaxing and loving each other, this week is a big fat shock to the system. He's gone again two hours away to some deadend town to work with his boss for three days. I'm at a loss I guess. Especially after having him with me 24/7 for a while.
Our anniversary trip was amazing... all we did was have long baths, make love, talk, read, sleep in and eat. It was our idea of heaven. We're still the only couple we know who could spend three days in an isolated cabin in the rainforest, with no TV, DVD's, phone, cell reception, or anything, and not only love it but think it was great, never run out of stuff to talk about, and not even get a little sick of each other. lol It was perfect. Nathon cooked for me most of the time, and it turns out he is the master of the Barbeque lol. We stayed in the bath for hours until we got pruny, ate breakfast every morning on the balcony overlooking the rainforest, snuggled up on the lounge under the doona and talked for ages listening to dodgy 80's music lol.
Now I'm all alone again, eating microwaved leftovers, hugging his pillow for company and haning on his calls from the hotel lobby. I hate it. I want him home, and I want this stupid training fortnight to be over with already. I want hugs and kisses that are not detailed over the phone, I want to go to bed and wake up with him every day. I want to watch Criminal Minds on Wednesday and have him there to hold me if I get scared. I don't want to shower alone, or make eggs for one for dinner every night this week. But I won't get what I want for a goodly while yet and there's no use being a whingy sook about it.

I'm not going home for Christmas this year. We're not going to Nathon's either. We're staying home so we can have our very own Christmas for the first time, in our own house, together, alone. i know it will be amazing and beautiful.
BUT....
But my mum wants me to come home. She's afraid of looking worse than my mother-in-law so she's doing a more subtle number than she normally would. So far for the past three months EVERY conversation we have has a mention of what I'm doing for Christmas... she's tried coaxing me with gifts and shopping, tried to guilt me with 'I can't buy things on my own for Christmas' which is horse hooey because even when I help her shop she never listens to me anyway. She's tried to guilt me into coming becuase if I don't my dog may die before I get back home (he's not knocking on heavens door, apart form a managable pooper problem he's A+ healthy). She even made me feel guilty for leaving her alone at Christmas with dad, who is the Grinch who ignored Chrismas completely. But heck, she married him. She stayed with him when she knew it would have been better for her and I to not be with him anymore. She took him back after that stupidity he pulled. Its her fault she's stuck with him, I'm not responsible for my parents' marriage or my mother's happiness (especially when she won't even take any responsability for it herself).
Am I wrong for this? I feel bad, sure, I was raised to believe everythign was my fault and my mother's unhappiness was my fault always. So I'm going to feel bad, there's no getting around that (but I'm woring on it!) But I mean, I'm still going to spend Christmas here, with Nathon. It would take hell freezing over before I'd give in and give up my perfect Christmas to go back there and be insulted and whinged at for goodness only knows how long because I'm not a stick insect, because Gid forbid I kiss and hug my fiance, and becuase my hair is long and mum prefered the goth bob. Arggh. I want to have a happy Christmas just once. I want to decorate our tiny tree with Nathon, unwrap our gifts together early in the morning, make a huge Christmas lunch, stay in and ignore the world together.

Is it so wrong that I want to live my own life, instead of being a mechanism to make my mother happy after she's realized she's all alone and made some bad choices?? She has to live her own life, and she tells me I have to live mine, but I think she means only when she doesn't decide she wants me around.

We broke another bed... Its probably not the sort of thing I should be talking about here, but heck, its my blog and I can't say it anywhere else. "Hi mum, what's going on at your house? Yeah, nothing much, we broke the bed last night amidst the throws of passion..." Yeah, that's just not going to work. We broke Nathon's bed ages ago, which he bought when he moved out on his own. I'm stuck between feeling a little chuffed, and worrying about the bed breaking again while I'm asleep...(Its in a very precarious state of re-construction right now.) But I guess an upside of Nathon spending tonight away is that if the bed does break again, We wonf crash into each other... It'll just be me.
But the strange thing is, when the bed broke, the mattress slumped at a weird angle and our bed has actually never been so comfortable as it was then! lol Doesn't say much for our beautifully crafted bed lol.
Thank heavens its Thursday. Not because its almost the end of Nathon's training course (because it looks like he'll have to go away again for his on-the-job train next week anyway so I won't see much of him again... Yes, I cried when I heard that lol), but because we leave for our anniversary weekend away on Friday efternoon. Three days where there are no cars, no insurance salesmen trying to take my man away. Just us, a huge bed and a spa surrounded by pretty scenery and no-one who cares to bug us. Sigh. I can't wait. I've even started packing the food and I'm doing all the washing. If this weekend falls through like the last one I'm going to kill someone... or at least write them a very cranky letter lol.

Which has me kind of creeped out and feeling a little uggie... How was I to know the door had not closed and the wind we were having had set the door wide open??? Sigh.
My exams are over, yah! I totally loved the short answer questions in todays exam because I finally got asked what I would do and say in a counselling scenario.
Nathon is still training away, and will be till friday next week. But he is the top of his class and really enjoying it, except being away from me. So he drives home when he can for the night. The first night without him was really weird, especially because we'd spent 9 days straight together without him going to work. We normally make all the dinner and going to bed decisions together, and I realized I had no idea when to eat or sleep! And I discovered that I actually hadn't slept alone for a year. I got around it but it was weird lol. Nathon's trainer told him he must be enjoying being away from me and he said, actually no I hate it. And she said how long have you been together and he said two years, and she said wow I'd be dying to get away by then. Was he because we'd been together soo long? And Nathon said no, he still missed me when he went out for food for 20 minutes. She was like, oh, well co-dependancy is not good and you'll not be able to function without eachother and our relationship was just really weird. And Nathon got a little cranky and told her that if other people say we're doing it wrong its a good sign because their relationships last about 5 seconds. lol I like being co-dependant. I like missing him and being sad when we're apart. If I wasn't, then what point would there be to be with him??? If I go, boy I really gotta get away from you, all the time, then its not a healthy relationship. I think the reason so many people need to escape is because they have chosen the wrong person to be with who they can't be themselves around or who isn't suited to them. lol Enough yapping for now on my part.
So now I guess I'll go do something else... a little at a loss because I feel asleep early today and now I'm stuck staying up until I get sleepy again lol.
Thanks for your ear,
*Burn

I haven't been to sleep since 8pm last night so I am a little blurry and weird.
Nathon started training for his new job today!! He left at 4:30am to be there on time and get sorted out. And get into his suit. Wow, does he look spiffy in a suit!!!! Anyway, he will be selling insurance and its all very scary and exciting and I couldn't go with him because I have exams and have to study. Prob'ly not a bad thing, since the room they gave him (which he was told I could stay in with him after my exams) he is sharing with another dude.. so that would have been interesting. He is hoping to come home after they finsih training at five. Its on for two weeks so I am desperatly hoping he gets to come home, because two weeks without him is basically toture.
We are going to have to cancle our trip to the place with the great big bed and spa bath for our anniversary because the training course runs right through our magical lost long weekend (both Saturday and Monday). We're mopey about it, but I try and look on the bright side, the course and the new job mean he never has to go near his old, evil work again. ANd that makes him happy. To make him happy I would gladly give up every anniversary we'll ever have.

Interestingly enough, while tooling around on myspace (it doesn't get capitals becaue I don't take it seriously... lol) I found a pic of the guy I back hand slapped my first day of high school for calling me fat... It was kind of surreal lol.

So I have successfully wasted soem time readin Bridal Guide and looking up people from my home town... now I guess I'll try and have a nap because I am feeling very weird...

Thanks for reading,
*Burn