You scored 30% Tough, 4% Roguish, 38% Friendly, and 28% Charming!

You're the original man of honor, rough and tough but willing to stick your neck out when you need to, despite what you might say to the contrary. You're a complex character full of spit and vinegar, but with a soft heart and a tender streak that you try to hide. There's usually a complicated dame in the picture, someone who sees the real you behind all the tough talk and can dish it out as well as you can. You're not easy to get next to, but when you find the right partner, you're caring and loyal to a fault. A big fault. But you take it on the chin and move on, nursing your pain inside and maintaining your armor...until the next dame walks in. Or possibly the same dame, and of all the gin joints in all the world, it had to be yours. Co-stars include Ingrid Bergman and Lauren Bacall, hot chicks with problems.

1. Cappuchino (I HATE coffee, so this came as a huge shock to me, spending the week wanting a cappuchino so badly I could smell and taste it.)
2. Banana lollies (You know, those hard chewy things? Which I can't stand.)
3. Sex (In a big big way...)
4. Chicken (Don't ask me why...)
5. Chocolate chip cookies (But we have none in the house because otherwise I'd eat them)

Perhaps it's just this time of the month... which is turning out to be a lot less bothersome the last one whihc hurt like a son of a bitch and lasted a little over a month!
Maybe I'll get a cappuchino today...

Some silly woman writing a test just told me I scored '80% intelligence' and I possibly had an undiagnose learning disability and a C average and was obviously stupid.
Well... when she takes 10 percent off your intelligence for needing a calulator for square roots of large numbers, what do you expect? I did it again, made sure I got everything right and came out 90%. She said her 9 year old daughter knows the same amount but that I sould be proud. Sarcastic bitch .
I almost wrote to tell her that, should her 9 year old daughter be even half as smart as I was when I was that age, she should be damn lucky. And that, as a woman who swears to come from another planet where everything is made entirely of hair, she should not be the one making intelligence tests?
Petty, I know, but she can't even spell properly or use punctuation, and I refuse to be told I am dumb by her.
As for the whole C grade BS, I was an A student all my life. So nerr the her.

First, my mother inlaw to be called. That was bad enough.
Then Nathon called on his dinner break and his credit ran out, so I ran around trying to find another source of his mobile phone number because my mobile is the only place I have it and its dead... So I tried the phone bills, 'cause I call Nathon many times on the home phone when he's going to work, leaving work, or having a lunch break.
First number I called was his mother. Blah.
Second was the newest ex-friend. First I thought it was a guy from Nathon's work who answered... and promptly hung up (they all creep me out). Then I realized and redialed just to keep things from getting any more acidic than they have become.
Did I really want to make awkward chit chat about uni and general life with him? No. I would have opened a vein before I'd have opened communications again. That might seem harsh, but the friendship is over. Things have been done and said on both sides that to me make any future friendship impossible.
His voice sounded pleased to hear from me, and he seemed to hang on to the conversation. I on the other hand just wanted out, mostly so I could try and call Nathon again (its making me actually sick now because I didn't get to find the number in time to call him back and I really wanted to hear his voice again and tell him tuesday was ok to take off), but partly because I was uncomfortable. My feelings about this person and the friendship changed a long time ago. I don't want to make up. I don't want to be friends again. But it felt like I was getting pushed into it. Like that one call was a foot down a water slide, and I had no choice but to go the whole way now. Well, I have a choice and my choice is no. Its time for me to be serious about wanting what's best for me. Too many times I let things slide and put up with people's shit, whether I was just being too nice, too desperate for friends, or too cowardly. Not again. I won't let it. I dealt with a lot from him in the late Autumn of our friendship. A quick sorry now about something he said about me during a friendship sebatical won't cut it. The end was coming and I'm glad it did. I am also glad I got to have my say, once and for all. Its all over now and that gives me a calm that feels great.

I know that a public forum is not the best place to say this sort of thing in, but I needed to clear my emotional cobwebs.
Thanks for letting me bend your ear.

For a casual job. I know Nathon won't particularly like it, I mean he isn't one of those 'women don't work ra ra' people, he just likes taking care of me. But I feel so awful when he goes to work every day and I stay home on my ass.
So I'm doing a little job hunting...
But its harder than it sounds:
I am passionate, but not cosmopolitan...
I have finished year 12 well and truely, but physically fit? Nup...
I am definatly not an accountant, although it looks like accountants are in demand.
I have never constrcuted anything beyond a fence in my life...
Riggning is not my thing...

I guess I'll keep looking.

I can't stand him.
It's not like we've met, but I hear him and its enough.
He gets all his loud and drunken mates over all the time and they swear and being generally stupid together.
But that I can deal with. Its what he says to his daughter that kills me. He calls her nasty names and swears at her. I don't ever hear her cry or anything, but I worry he hurts her. I know what its like and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call the appropriot authorites and tell all. But I know what it would have been like for me to lose my mum back then, even though she was evil. WOuld the effect of losing her dad or being the cause of something to happen to him cost her more than what he's doing? I don't know for sure if he hurst her physically, but verbal abuse hurts enough on its own.
She is a spoiled brat, but she always looks so sad...
What am I to do?

I mean, I've seen some very strange 80's porn which had a comfoting lack of anal and facial cumshots. And one weird one with all these people on the floor in twos and threes. But that's dodgy quality downloads. Seeing a real orgy would be a lot different. You can't click the fast forward button for your own comfort.
Weird subject for today I know, but I am reading another Laurell K Hamilton, and the sex has been getting progressivly more crowded.
I always knew I could never have a more-than-one-in-the-bed scenario. Not because of any particular moral sensitivities although I had objections on those grounds too (I have been asked before by an asshole, and it turned my stomach; watching someone you're dating screw someone else or vice-versa just doesn't do it for me. I can understand how it does for others, though.) But the main problem I would have had is I couldn't enjoy any of it because I'd always be worried someone was getting left out. What if, like in the book, there was only one girl? True, one of the guys is bi, but the others weren't. Talk about multitasking! Someone is bound to feel unhappy about the amount of attention they got...
And if you cared about all your partners, it would be very emotionally taxing.
Perhaps I am over thinking the whole group sex issue?
I'm just lucky I don't have a man like most Nathon works with who think group sex is the best thing you can do in a group since bowling...

By that, I mean root canal. $1200+ worth of root canal to be precise. But apparently my tooth is pretty healthy and I have a 98% chance of keeping my tooth, but a far greater chance of damaging all my other teeth on that side should I get it ripped out all together. Which is what my mum has been angling for since yesterday. Which is all well and good for her but its my tooth. The dumbest question to pass my mother's lips after I told her the options and that if I removed it my teeth would lean or drop and my bite would go out the window was "Oh, so you want to keep it?" No, why would I want to keep something which is still a salvagable tooth that apparently keeps things running smoothly in a massive way... Arrg. So I am leaning heavily towards root canal, with a slight hesitation about the price (as much as my mother hurts me, at least she will be helping me pay for it which is something at least) and the implications. But the pain should be managable or negligable, so I'm pretty thrilled about that, being that root canal is meant to be a highly thought of alternative to a date with David Hasselhoff...
As for my dentist, he was fantastic. Jolly and nice, and a deft hand with a couple of syringes full of some wonderful drug which meant for the first time in a dentist's chair, the needle was the most painful part of the whole thing. Usually I feel everything. But thankfully I was blissfully numb until about two and a half hours later... Discovered also that kissing with anesthetic is like kissing your honey with someone else's lips, should those lips be made of some kind of resin or cement...
Anyway, I think all will be ok, if one can assume root canal is ok... I just hope I don't need a crown because that will be enormously expensive again.
Sigh.
Money is such a shitful thing. Probably, if money grew on some kind of native bush here, then I wouldn't even be having this problem now... I'd have had regular dental checkups as a kid/teen and would not have wound up with a hole in my tooth which doubles for a monetary black hole now.
But still, at least I live in an age where this stuff exists, cause I don't think some sweaty guy with a pair of pliers and a handwritten shingle ripping your tooth
out on his break from shoeing horses would be the epitome of fun.
Thanks to Sienna, Mandazzle and Rippled_Water for being so nice
Have a great weekend y'all....

....Dental work, unfortunatly. I am dressed and ready about a hour before I need to be there.
Interesting side note to that, I decided to wash some of my clothes so as to look spiffy for the dentist appointment. I hung out my clothes and it promptly started raining again... and has not ceased for long enough so as for them to dry. Leaving me shirtles and braless. I searched around the unit, swearing I had far more spare bras than a red one that cut off my circulation before I got fat and a broken grey one. I ended up finding the most unlikly one... the first bra I ever had. It is now all dodgy and warped and greying (eleven years on), but since all my other bras are incognito, it will have to do. Nathon bought me this awesome black knitted hoodie which is coming in very handy today as it is dismal, cold and rainy (incidently, just how I like my weather...)
I am very much freaking out. I am a super wuss when it comes to dental things.
Leaving now, I guess I'll be back to whinge later....

A piece of my back tooth fell off tonight... I was eating a ice cream and the piece of tooth just came off!!!!
It was part of one of my filled ones (I have four).
I spent my 18th year telling my mother I had a hole in my tooth, to which she told me 'No you don't' (like I dont't know there's a huge gaping hole in my tooth that a whole herring could fall in and not get out? Geez) When it finally got to the point where it hurt to eat, my gum was swelling slightly and bits of tooth were coming out of the hole, I pressed upon her that indeed, there was a freaking hole, and to have a good look. She said she could see one. I got her the torch. She shone it in my mouth and said 'You have a hole in your tooth!!' Really???? I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW THAT!!!!! Arggg. The only other times I'd been to the demtist until this moment was for a general clean and what have you when I was 5, and once at 10 because my mum wanted the dentist to fix my teeth because she thought they were too green. So off we went finally (can you feel the hint of anger here?) and got me a filling. By this time, my tooth had decayed so badly the nerve was exposed. The Dentist stuffed some amalgam in there and that was that.
The piece of tooth looks like it was cracked on one side, most assuredly by Dentist Man, as the crack is perfectly straight, and I heard a weird 'pop' sound during my first filling I didn't hear during my others... It looks like the piece died and broke off on the other side. Lovely huh????
I hate the dentist, by the way. I am desperatly afraid of dentists and their horrible sharp nasty instruments of torture.
I am staying up so I can make an appointment early at a dentist here.
I know it may sound petty, but I don't care: Mum offered to pay for my dental work because she feels bad about not taking me to the dentist, and I'm going to take her up on that this morning.
And its not only the dentist she never took me too. I had doctors visits twice ever until I was 15, both for needles. In that time I had been hit in the head by a horse, got wiplash in a car accident, cut open my knuckle to the bone on kitchen laminate, fallen on a plough blade on my personal bits resulting in two days of crazy bleeding, immobalising chest pains both regularly occuring and caused by a flu, a nasty dog bite, various falls landing on both head and back, and croup. Did I go to a doctor for any of this? No.
I bear a huge health care grudge against my parents. In a nation with a pretty damn good health system compared to soem places, why didn't I get to go? Mum told me the other day when we were talking about the whole cut and bleeding 'down there' incident that it wa sme who didn't want to go. I was 9, scared shitless, in a lot of pain, and bleeding at a fast rate. Of course I wanted to got to the doctor! And, what kind of parent would serious listen to their child not wanting to go to the doctor when there was a pool of blood involved? My dad said, and I remember it clearly thank you, that I didn't need to go. Mum told me to stop crying like a baby and not embarass her in front of the neighbour's children.
Parenting 101 could take a leaf out of their book, huh?
Anyway, I hate dentists but there is a large bit of tooth missing and it hurts a lot. So, enough complaining, away to the dentist and I'll just have to be brave with myself.
Wish me luck.

I tried to join a chat room tonight.
I am getting sick of having converstaions with myself or watching David Letterman reruns. So I found a nice-looking women's only chatroom (of course, I didn't have to do that, Nathon gave me cart blanche to go anywhere I liked - co-ed or not, but I guess I know how I'd feel if he started tlaking to some woman on the net and it wouldn't be good).
It was awkward. Very very awkward. A lovely lady chatted to me, but everyone else mostly ignored me and I got sick of saying stuff that got no response, realized I was intruding on a personal moment, and buggered off to do quizzes.
Is there no place where the flow through is so dense that no-one makes friends there and are in constant need of immediate conversation? lol
Theere was a 19 year old there, and it hit me again how stupid people are at that age. I was socially backward and at 19 even I wasn't quite so self-centred and rude... with the IQ of a slice of canned beetroot. Anyway...
I guess I either try again another night or pack it in. But I can't imagine it getting any easier.

Snoring: Device by which husbands let their wives know they have not died in their sleep.

Courtship: A lot like going to the beach and playing chicken with the waves: at some point you will get wet.

Relationship: Getting wet.

Mechanic: Guy who doesn't fix what you asked him to, but fixes five other things instead.

Car: Permanent house guest that never pays any of the bills.

Diet: The period of depression and starvation that comes in between visits from your prettier relitives.

Sister: The yard stick by which one decides if one should diet or not.

Apology: Deivce with which to make the wronged party fell as s**t as possible.

Flowers: See above.

Light lunch: What women eat when together at a resturant.

Best friend: The person closest to your residential address who has their own car and Visa and doesn't smell like cheese.

Family reunion: Weapons depo with cakes.

School reunion: Just like school, but with cakes.

Parents: Therapy bills with legs.

Sport: A fitness and dating program.

Sports car: A way to get to use your Viagra.

Viagra: Way to live up to the sports car.

Blog: Socially acceptable form of voyerism and narcissism for people who can type.

Ok, finally I'm gonna say something cause I have no idea about it and its making me curious.
Why would someone tag me with 'put me in a headlock'?
Do they want me to put them in a real, WWE kind of headlock?
Or the other way around?
Is it a come-on?
Is it one of those crazy tags that means something to a few select people, which they use as a marker on certain people? Like that loves geckos thingy (but possibly less flattering or well-intentioned).
Is it an insult I just don't get?
Am I putting too much thought into it?
Yeah.
Goodnight.

Googled Belle De Jour.
Whole big wingding about who she really is. Some girl got 'outed' as Belle. It took me a while to realize they were worng, but in that time I felt infinitely better about myself, because in my previous life as NOT a whale, I could have knocked her off her Prada stilletos like that. Now I know she is really a fake. So I am back to imagining how lush and fantastic Belle must be... Which is depressing.
All I really need is to break myself out of my current dragging-myself-through-mud emotial, mental and physical state and get exercising, because although a hamster could starve on what I eat in a day (sop would my mother, although she keeps telling me I eat too much - yeah, 'cause I'm the one who has breakfast, morning tea, three snacks a day, two a night, plus afternoon tea, dinner, a million cups of milky tea and chocolate EVERY DAY. Bite me, bitch.), starving is not going to bring down my volume. It's not whats going in, it's what's already there thanks to Levlan fucking ED. Which can only be lost in one of three ways:
- Exercise (which is the only sure fire way for me to lose weight, but which I can't do properly unless I have considerable inner turmiol... maybe encourage myself to beleive Nathon is seeing Belle de Jour via e-mail? Hmmm... Nah. Would never happen ).
- Lypo (I could get my volumous ass sucked away by a doctor with a plastic tube, and maybe get my boobs done too... Posh SPice style but without the nipples.)
- I refuse to eat unitl my body throws in the towel and decides to cannibalise my fat, muscle and internal organs. (I might die in the process, but hey, I could get hit my a bus jogging or could never wake up from anesthesia either...)
Unfortunatly, exercise is the only option as I have not the money to but Extreme Make-Over on DVD much less have one. And as for the whole cannnibalisation theory, Nathon freaks out about me not eating enough as it is... I'm pretty sure encouraging my body to eat itself would not help his fears...
Sigh.

Well, I read for a while about the wonderful wordsmith and lady of the evening Belle de Jour. I got up and made some damn good peanut butter toast. I watched my man sleep walk.
I don't really know why, but I have been having great trouble getting to sleep this last few weeks or so. I tried some fruity smelling herbal sedatives which did the trick for five nights then stopped working. So I've stayed up until almost an hour beofre Nathon goes to work, then drifted off.
Belle kept me company these last two nights. While I have nothing coming even a distant third to her experience in the man/sex/relationship/employment/education departments, there was something about her that seemed really familiar and kindred. Pretty silly, huh? Maybe the lack of sleep. She is a sexy PUBLISHED author who I think was possibly a Siren or Liz Taylor in a past life (yes, I am aware Liz is not technically dead...) I possess all that is fundamentally a rhinosceros(sp at this amount of sleep deprivation - can normally spell very well... really, I can). Comparison over.
But I came across something in my thoughts this morning (during a day dream of being on Oprah but don't tell anyone...) which I think is petty cool. For me, at least. When I was maybe 17-18 I read a Janet Evanovich novel (one of many, she is fantastic). In it the heroine and the hero get horizontally jiggy (yes, I mean sex, not the limbo). I remember this bit where he went ape over how amazing her legs were. They had major, loud, long, eye-rolling-in-the-back-of-head, life-affirming, is that your pelvis or mine, SEX. And I happened upon the idea that if I wasn't a size or three smaller with legs that could make Heidi Klum make the poo-face, I would never have that. No man would ever give me the head to toe physically conveyed admiration that I read about. As if! I would be in for Hugh Grant in 'Sirens' sex for the rest of my miserable, no orgasm with out batteries, Porshe to compensate horrible life. I was thinking about this particular notion when it hit me. I have that kind of devine-experience sex now... And I am not in any classical definition of the word 'shape'(Hmmm.... round is a shape isn't it???). I haven't seen my knees in 6 months. Honest. They never write either... bastards. Yes, we were having great sex before. If I entred in that race in Finland (?) where men carry their wives in a foot race for her weight in beer I could happily keep all of Finland drunk for a good week or so. But we are having better sex than ever before... I'll go so far as calling it earth-shattering. But I won't go any further because telling exactly how it is would make it so much less fun lol. But suffice to say, in about five second (literally... I've counted) Nathon has always been able do to me what several men have tried for hours (yes, I counted... and I thought about England) to acheive and could not do if they had a map and a mentor. So imagine if that got better. And to my great surprise, after I lost all the best parts of my body (not in some terrible skiing accident, but to pills that decimated my figure like a reverse locust swarm). I may be fat and people may stare and try to avoid me in case cellulite is contagious, and I may be afraid to go outside most days, and twice as scared to go to Supre Amart with all those mirrors but I have better sex than any skinny little slapper in a mini and a skunk hairdo will ever have with herself or anyone else.
Super Amart, btw, was pure torture becuase I could see myself top to bottom for the first time in a long long while (lost a little bit of weight, but not enough). But we did get some awesome bedside tables for our room which makes it less like a room with a bed in it and more like a bedroom... did I mention the tables match the bed? Classy! I hate Super Amart and their never ending wall of mirrored bedroom items -think I shall sue them for causing my current social anxiety issue... get enough money to buy a new mattress. Queen sixed bed, double mattress, biiiig problem.
Oh fuck, its nine. And I am still not tired. I could read Laruell K. Hmailton until I get sleepy I guess... Or Google random stuff...
Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant. Have a nice morning/afternoon/midday/midnight etc.
Big hugs to all, especially anyone who has gone to a furniture super store recently and realized their ass has its own house of commons...
*Burn

I got out an audio book on CD from the library entitled '100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed' by Melissa P. (real name Melissa Panarello).
Ok, so it was laden with very very BAD sex. And the writing left something to be desired (so did the reader's Italian accent which sounded exactly the same as her Middle Eastern one...).
She has a series of ugly encounters and affairs with everyone from a professor, five guys on her birthday, a married man, college students and a woman... I read a review of this book which called it depressing. So said by someone who has obviously never felt as though they were reduced to a sex object, and who doesn't even go half way to understanding the emotions and major issues of life brought up in the book.
Some of the situations horrified me with their unimaginable pain and degredation, and some of it reminded me of my own experiences. I feel really sad for her (it is thought to be semi-auto-biographical, the author is a year older than me and her eploits take place between her 14th and 16th years, btw). But I loved it for one reason and one reason only: even though she'd managed to haplessly screw her way through more than half the characters in the book, she eventually discovered an unconditional love.
I guess I am always drawn to stories where you get another chance to be accepted for who you really are and to not be judged by your past, no matter you have done before.

I like this interview with Melissa P. the best:

http://www.nerve.com/screeningroom/books/interview_melissap/

01] Do you still think about your exs?
Sometimes. I get blue sometimes and think about what huge yawning holes or mistakes they all were in my life. I tend to cry a lot when I think about them. But it all got me here, and Nathon doesn't judge me although I do it frequently.

[02] Have you ever been heartbroken?
Yes, but not by a break-up or an ex...

[03] What Movie reminds you of your current boyfriend, girlfriend or ex?
Tristan and Isolde (Nathon and I, sounds ego-ridden doesn't it? lol)

[04] How many times have you honestly thought you loved someone?
That's a tricky question because I have talked myself into believeing I loved people a few times to help me deal with what I had done with them. But honestly, truely? Only once.

[05] Do you believe that everyone has a soul mate?
Absolutly.

[06] What is your current relationship problem?
Not enought time to spend together.

[07] Have you ever loved 2 people at the same time?
Nope.

[08] Your thoughts of your best friend and your ex?
Not sure what this means... I've broken it off with every best friend I've had and every boyfriend. I pretty much never want to see any of them again...

[09] Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
Yep, and I'm marrying him lol!

[10] Do you believe in second chances?
I think it depends on what happened, who did it, their level of contrition and sincerity of apology, firmly believeing you wont get screwed over the second time, and both parties' honest and strong commitment to mending the relationship and not screwing up again.

[11] Have u ever been kissed underneath the fire works?
Hmmmm.... acutally, we went away for New Years and they had fire works at 12 over where we were but we were inside at the time... does that count?

[12] What is your favourite colour(s)?
Black, white and pink.

[14] Do you believe you only love once?
I think there are degrees of love. I think the love you feel with your soulmate dwarfs all other loves, but it is possible to be truly in love with soemone who is not your soulmate... its just less powerful.

[15]Could you marry someone right now?
Yes. Oh, God, yes! lol

[16] At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex?
At age 10.

[17] What song reminds you of your ex or current boyfriend/girlfriend.
Eminem remindes me of the evil one plus 'You are So Beautiful to Me' cause he sang it to me, John Butler Trio remindes me of my first boyfriend, Jamiriqui(sp) remindes me of the nasty little guy.
Almost any song can remind me of Nathon. Our songs include, Far Away (Nickleback), All For One, All For Love (Brian Adams et al), To Make You Feel My Love (Garth Brooks).

[18] Do you know someone who likes you?
Hopefully my fiancee! But otherwise, no.

[19] Do you like anyone?
My Nathon (wow, unexpected answers R us!)

[20] Do you care about someone who is not with you or know about your feelings?
Nope.