Heeelllooooo!!!!
I had my baby at home for four whole days. Which spoils me for the rest of the week and most probably the rest of the year until Christmas. But it was heaven, even though it makes me realise just how much I miss him. Everything is so much better when he's with me.
Which brings me to the fact that this tuesday I get a mental health assessment. Yeek! I'm not a raving loon, doing interpretive dance in the main street about the Apocolypse being nigh. But I have been having shocking mood swings and other stuff and I finally went to the doctor and she said it sounded like I had enotional problems resulting from what I did to Frankie. So she's going to assess me, send the assessment to a government funded therepist, and if this therepist says I need it, I get up to 6 free therepy sessions. She said that 'we could bung you on anti-depressants, but that won't deal with the undelying problem'. I was so scared that Armyguy would leave me becuase I was a fruitcase(my own word...:>), which was seriously dumb even for me... he said he had been a fruit case longer than me and it only meant we had more in common. Lol.
Talking about Armyguy, he has been waiting for a promotion for a while, and last night he got it!!!! Which means he gets to use knives, which nearly made him implode from excitment. I am really proud of my man. 
My folks are coming on monday to see the unit and the ring... mum is very interested to see the ring hehehehe. So that means a lot of house tidying lol. Its not dirty, just messy, because I mop and clean twice every week... not like I have anything else to do.
Well, I better get going, 'Jericho' starts tonight and I want to go buy my baby a pressie first as it is late night shopping. Hugs to everyone, and please remember, the things you do under the heat of emotion may only go to hurting others as well as hurting your self. Think long and hard about wheither you want to roll in the gutter with the people you hate. 
Anyway, I hope your week is going fast if its unpleasent, or slows to a snails pace if its great!
*Burn 

Tonight I got the best news ever from Stacy and Trev(being my best and only brother). Stacy is PREGNANT!!!! She has wanted this for ages, and ages, and ages. She will be the best mum ever!!!! She is 12 weeks along and has had a 4D scan which told them that the baby is health and perfect. I am so excited. Trev is really happy, which is great because I was worried he'd flip out and stuff, but even though it was unplanned they are over the moon.
Although it makes me feel horrible and selfish and ghastly, all the talk of scans and morning sickness and my mum making a joke about me being pregnant made me want to lay down on the floor and cry. I would never in this lifetime or the next begrude Stacy her baby, no-one deserves a baby more than her, she has had it very rough and she is a beautiful person. All it is is a feeling of loss, and all the things that go with pregnancy that are so familiar. It just makes me so pitieously sad. But I did what I did, it was the right decision for where Armyguy and I are right now, but I can't help but miss everything I'll never know about Frankie, and about growing him and giving birth to him. One day when everything is stable and we're older with money enough to support a child, we will have the excitement, joy, fear and anticipation my brother and his lovely woman have now. I am so happy for them, being sad does not diminish that, nor should it. And I know that we'll have it one day too.
Until then this baby is gonna get doted on like nobodies business. lol
Oh, and I told Trev I'm engaged, he's cool with it, he was even happy for me
Anyway, gotta go for my walk and get home before my boy does. He has two days off next week so we have a really long weekend together. YAH!!! See you round like some kind of guava,
*Burn

Yello!
My sister(the nice one) called our new house yesterday to congratulate Armyguy and I on getting engaged. She seemed really ok with it, and really happy for me, which is awesome. She wants to know what to get us for an engagement present... I don't know!! Why does everyone feel the need to get us presents? I had to talk my mum into getting us a doona rather than a sandwhich maker(for the love of god...). We don't really need anything else... I still haven't told my brother. I am scared to tell him first person, so I have to wait and get some phone credit. lol I am a chicken.
Today on my way into uni, I saw my old counsellor Nancy. She is a sweet lady, but when she stopped to talk to me it was a surprise. She was really genuinly happy about the engagedness of me, she even asked to look at my ring. I have been thinking about going back to the counsellors at the uni. Every now and then I erupt into tears about Frankie and I really would like to talk to someone. I talk to Armyguy, of course, but there are some feelings I hold back on telling him about because I know he'd get upset. Its not anything bad about him, but talking about Frankie always makes him cry and when he cries my heart rips in two. He doesn't talk about it much, not even when I do, but when he does talk about it it's heartbreaking.
I didn't like the counsellor last time, she trivialised everything. I hope I can get someone different next time, someone who doesn't think bourderline sexual assault, rape and death threats, and a cutting habit are "normal" for growing up. Idiot.

Sidebar: Why do men these days think that seduction means saying "Hey baby, your hot, let me stick it in you"? I'm registered on the stupid dating site, forgot I was actually... every so often I get a messgae from some guy and I read it, giggle and then ignore it. This guys been messaging me, and I was procrastinating from an essay so i wrote back. Like, two messgaes which were less than inviting because i was being a sarcastic bitch. Today I log on and get this "hey again hows ur w/end been so far? Bris was good,bought sum good stuff & had sum cheap larfs [@ otha ppls expense,my favrit kind] without being arrested [ i really like female cops] .sooooo hunny wen can u cum down 4 a w/end of tourist activities? [sex,beach,sex,sex,sex].im a pretty good tour guide & can show u all the attractions [ & makeout spots/YUM].feel free 2 cum down even if ur not in2 HOT,OHHH SO HOT {& very sleazy] guys.hope 2 seduce u soon.........."
Good for you buddy. I sent him a rather uncooth message about how seduction means having a personality, manners and charm. None of which he had...
Is this what dating in our society has come too? If this is what men expect from women, then can we really call 'loose' women sluts for giving men what they want when thats what women have to do to get any type of intimate human contact??? Men should be ashamed of themselves, for having so little respect for women, and women should learn to have more respect for themselves. I know its hard, I suck at it, but every woman deserves to have a man touch her who respects her and cherishes her, for no matter what time period. Every woman is worth respect and kindness, softer moments and intimacy(this does NOT just mean sex or during sex for god sake... I feel more intimate with my guy when we deep fry together, especially when he puts ice and aloe gel on my oil burns). Seduction can mena a million things. Armyguy seduced me, nearly without knowing it, by reading T.S. Eliot to me, the very first night we kissed... Seriously, being a decent person will not kill you men, ok?
Sigh. Well, now that I have righted the world's wrongs lol, I should go do my stupid essay. Hugs and purple bumble bees from:
*Burn

Apparently big breasts are in...
Well, isn't that a wonderful thing for someone like me who's breast fits into a Seven Eleven Slurpie dome lid... with room!!! I'm a 12B. Hardly Pamela, Dolly or Jordan, for sure... Hardly Twiggy. Armyguy likes them, but is that because they are breasts at all lol??? I told him that big breasts are in and the response was not positive, he's always liked smaller boobs. Also, apparently, being a size 10 along with it is in fashion this 'season'. When I was asked who was having these fool ideas, I told him the 'fashionistas' or some such. After a fit of laughter and a few choice words about fashion and people who rally against fuller figured girls which can't be published on a M15+ page, we went out for KFC. lol
I used to be 10kgs lighter only a few months ago. This is causing a lot of moaning and crying from me, and a lot of frustrated protestations from Armyguy about me NOT being fat. But it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. I feel fat. Telling me I am perfect as I am doesn't mean I become ok with my cellulite! It just means I think he's lying so I won't beat him up for calling me fat. This is the heaviest I have ever been. And while I know he truly doesn't see my fat, I know its there. So, instead of making excuses, I will endeavour to walk EVERY day, not just the days that I 'feel like it'. I won't let the knowledge that people will see we walking as a reason to cop out. And spending my last $6 on junk food is now stricktly prohibited. The only person who can change me back to how I felt good about myself is me. And I'm going to bloody well do it too. Hopefully before our anniversary in November.
Wish me luck.
*Burn

Hellooooooo!!!!
Not only have we moved into our new apartment which is great(apart from a few quirks....) but I have my engagement ring!!! Armyguy finally proposed to me the day we got the keys to our unit. He got down on one knee in our new bedroom and asked me to make him the happiest man in the world by saying I'd marry him forever. Of course, I said yes, and although we thought we should have gone somewhere expensive and flashy, we went to our favourite Chinese resturaunt instead. My ring is beautiful and it fits!!! I was so scared I'd gotten too fat for it. lol  I told my folks and they are happy for me, and us, which surprised the hell out of me! I'd been warming my mum up to the idea, but I still didn't think I'd get the excited/happy response. Its great.
We are going to go grocery shopping this weekend together, my baby and I. We haven't done that in ages. It's going to be a lot of fun. I miss him really badly when he goes to work... it sounds sappy but I really do cry every time he leaves for work. 
Anyway, I better go get my assignment done. Or I'll fail things will get really really bad.
Hugs to everyone, take care of yourself for the people who love you,
Sugarburn

Ok, so yeah, I went to BP in my track pants, my bath robe and my fuzzy slippers. NO, I don't feel obliged to get dressed up every time I leave the house so as to make every one else feel better. I like being comfy. Armyguy doesn't care if I go out in fuzzy slippers: he thinks I'm pretty anyway. I'm not aiming to impress anyone anymore. Especially people I don't know from Adam. So people can stare and giggle and make comments but I don't care. I am comfy. I'm damn comfy. And I ain't feeling embarrassed about it for nobody. Some people search their whole lives to find what I have and never find it. Some people find it but ruin it by feeling like they have to make a show of still being with-it or something... I'm going to wear my stupid stained bathrobe with pride. Because Armyguy has made the world a safer place for me. And I'm going to live there like I mean it.