Hello all!!!
Finally I have some happy news to tell you. Actually, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

We'd been catching ourselves out for a month having Freudian slips like 'You married an idiot'. I nearly proposed in a supermarket car park. And then one night, right in the middle of unpacking the groceries (and me badgering him about what this 'surprise' I had to wait for was going to be...oh, duh to me) he corralled me against the fridge, too my face in his hands and said 'Will you marry me?' After 'Are you sure?' and 'Are you serious?' being asked about a million times, and being answered 'yes' at least 2 million times, I said yes. And I knew I should feel scared. I'm only twenty, my parents will flip out, but nothing has ever felt this right to me before. My mum may kill me, tell me I'm going to ruin my life, but I have a chance to be happy for the rest of my life and I'm going to hold onto him for as long as I can.
I've been wanting to write about this for AGES, but I wanted his parents and Elvis to now before I published it lol.
We've tried to go ring shopping for a week now... but either one of us goes back to sleep after the alarm stops ringing and the other doesn't have the heart to wake them up. So tomorrow, without fail, we are going shopping for rings. We hunted around the internet and found the closest ones we could for a model. If you wanna see them their in my media... But for me a ring is just a symbol of commitment, of belonging with someone. I want to look down and know that he is with me. And I want him to feel the same. I don't want a $4000 rock to trot around with being all 'Yo, check me out'... I just want a $60 knock off to prove that I'm going to be my lover's wife.
Ok, I've been gooey enough. I just wanted to shout out to as much of the world as I could to tell it that I am the happiest woman alive. lol
Bye for now, and until next time, rememeber: If you love someone, set them free, if they come back to you, they are yours to keep. If not, then its their loss and they obviously suck. lol

Love, candy and a big pink balloon from
*burn

Well, its official. As of 10:30am today I am no longer a massive bum with no job:D. The cool and lovely 'Rhonda' has hired me to be a kitchenhand slash cook at a Mexican resteraunt called Amigo's. I start at 6pm tonight. Yikes!!!! And although I don't know for sure what my pay rate will be, how many hours I'll get, or even exactly what the hell I'll be doing, it is uber-exciting to be employed in a job where I mostly know what I'm doing and they will let me use a knife...!!!!!
hehehehe
Mum was overjoyed, which was awesome. And Armyguy was really excited for me, tempered by the fact that I was shaking and panicing like a lamb reading the curry menu for the day. All in all everyone is happy, still have to tell Elvis, who is off home till Wednesday. I, on the other hand, am happy, yet fricking terrorfied!!! So, please, if you too have had or are having the first day work jitters, pray to your over-rated god for me.
There's plenty of other stuff to talk about, I am way to nervous to get them right, so until I am once again semi-stable and non-shaky, please remember that "You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry."

I'd like to send a huge thank you:D to Ang, Kackers and Subville for being so wonderful to me. You were all very kind in a time when that was something I needed more than anything. Hugs to all.

Scoobie snacks and Butternut Pumpkins,
Sugarburn

I haven't been writing lately.
I usually love using words, writing down how I feel, even if no-one really gives two hoots what I think about anything.
I like to write about whats been happening to me. Keeping a record of the fact that I was actually alive and things actually happened to me.
But lately its been too hard. I didn't want to try and tell you how incredibly ruined inside I was because I wanted nothing more than to have my baby when I knew I couldn't. I couldn't properly look after him, give him the life he deserved. I want to give me child everything in the world, not just material things, but everything I've learnt maturing in my life. I good home, food on the table with having to deny them toys or fun outtings.
I didn't want to tell you about Megz, who was the most insensitive perso in the world about my pending abortion. "You could buy that if you were keeping it." - "I saw you looking at that..." - "Don't tell me you actually want to keep it" - and about my folic acid tablets that help the baby be born healthy "Oh, well you don't need those then..." - and worst of all, she asked me to schedual my abortion for a time she wasn't at home so she wouldn't have to be around me when I was emotional.
I didn't want to try and tell you about all the nights Armyguy and I lay together and cried for the little person we'd never know. I wanted to find out if my baby had Armyguy's beautiful eyes, or his lovely hair. Armyguy wanted him to have my smile. We dreamt vainly of building cubby houses, and running away from everyone to have our baby for about three weeks.
On Thursday I made the appointment.
And on Saturday Armyguy drove me to the Clinic.
We were about and hour and a half early, so we filled in forms and read scary information and played tense, nervous 20 Questions until they called my name. Then we waited some more, filled in more forms. Then Armyguy had to leave me. And I waited around some more in a pink hospital gown with a few other women. Its so surprising when they treat it like its all about them. They are there to get a life sucked out of them and all they talk about is being hungry and having read all the magazines.
And all of a sudden I was in the chair thing with a needle in my hand, and the world got fuzzy and I woke up in a bed in recovery holding two tissues. It all gets little fuzzy but I remember asking the nurse if my baby had had pain receptors or a face and toes and things. And what they would do with my baby later. They incinerated my baby. Oh god, the burnt my baby. Why did I let them take my ababy away? Because I am a selfish, stupid, immature idiot bitch woman. Irresponsible and naive and scared and not ready to raise a baby.
When they let me out I was woozy and not making any sense, but Armyguy gave me a pretty flower in the waiting room and reminded me once again how much I love him.
So we went home, and I was in some pain. But I deserve all the pain in the world. Frankie deserves his revenge on his mother for killing him. And we cried a lot more. They said at the clinic that your supposed to feel relieved or guilty. I don't feel relieved. I feel like there used to be more to me and now its gone. I lost a life that had so much promise. And I'll never get him back.