Fuck my mother.
I called to talk to her today. Stupid me. I wanted to asked her how her tooth filling was, and maybe begin to warm her up to maybe telling her one day that I'm not a virgin. Anyway, I asked her if she liked Armyguy. And she said yes in that tone which implies she's holding back for my sake. Gag. So I told her to stop being like that and just tell me.
Now, she said that I'll grow up and grow out of him and what he is. What he is? He's me. I'm going to grow out of myself twice? I'm not going to stop being me. I am crazy and kinky and loopy, I sound like an episode of Dawson's Creek gone wrong and I'm always going to be like that. She said he would never change. And thats a good thing. Because I won't either and the two of us are perfectly compatable. She doesn't think he's good enough for me. Well, lade dah, mother who would be? A Calvin Klein model with a PhD and a BMW? I DON"T WANT SOME PRETTY LITTLE RETARD WITH MONEY AND HAIR PRODUCT AND NO BALLS OR BRAINS!!! I want a man, I want my man. I tried to tell her how happy I am, and how great he is. But she just thinks I have no idea what I really feel, and that I'm being dumb. She just kept pissing on my happiness. Why can't people let me be happy? Even Elvis has been awesome about it, and he had the most reason to have a problem with it... Why can't I be left alone? Why is me being happy such a fucking crime??????? People keep doing and saying whatever they can to break me up again, make me doubt myself and Armyguy. My mum even insinuated he still loved Meg, which made me go all ape-shit jealous again... Why can't she stand me being happy? IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, YOU RETARDED WHORE. I don't care if you don't see what we have together. I do. And I'm going to be happy no matter what. Like you won lotto with my dad? Right... Thats why he cheated on you and calls you a bitch. Armyguy is wonderful to me. Just because he's crazy and not your idea of what I should have doesn't mean we aren't great together, and it doesn't mean I'm going to ditch him for you... Mum keeps talking about rushing into anything, well, ha, sweetheart, its a bit late for that shit. I'm in love. I'm the happiest I've ever been. She couldn't make me happy, she did the opposite. He does.
Maybe it won't last. Maybe he still loves her. Maybe I have no idea what I'm feeling. Maybe I'll grow out of my personality.
Maybe the Pope will switch to Buddhism and the rivers will flow with chocolate NesQuick...
Fuck the world. I'm happy. I'm sort of stable, as long as you don't count the cutting I did today after I talked to mum... and the punching the walls till I couldn't move my fingers poperly. Slight relapse. But he makes me a better, more settled, less angry person. He makes me feel safe from all the nasties I've been so afraid of...
So maybe some people want to disrupt my first happiness. Let them try.
Thats a challenge, by the way....
Over and out,
*Burn

Hullo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been away far too long and now must cram everything into one blog so we are all caught up.... Ok... here goes...
Well, I went home for some of the holidays, with the fear of telling my mother about my belly button ring sitting heavily on my heart.... or my small intesitine... hard to tell... Anyway... I got up the courage to tell her IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED MCDONALDS!!!!!!!!!!! Just said 'Mum, I have something to tell you and you wont like it', and flashed her my stomach while in line for a double beef and bacon cheese burger... hehehehe She was pretty annoyed and disguted until I explained why I got it... you see, I always felt like I was too fat for things like that, and when I lost some weight and felt better about myself, and finally acutally didn't mind seeing myself in a mirror, I wanted to celebrate, to say fuck you to everyone who'd every told me I couldn't wear stuff because I was fat. Moving on....

As usual, the pre-visitor days at home were less than pleasent... but mum actually apologised this time, which was INCREDIBLE. She doesn't do that... usually I know I'm forgiven when she actually speaks to me again... an hour or so later depending on the severity of the anger, which is in proportion to the largness of the 'crime' I committed. This holiday's biggest crime was burning the condensed milk and brown sugar for the caramel slice. The yelling and the accusing and name calling and the dredging up of past incidents was not pleasent. But then while I scrubbed the bathroom in atonement, she burnt the rest of the slice and came and apologised, with hugging and everything! Not usual at all.
Oh, and you have to hear this: Mum agreed to walk me down the aisle when I get married! She declined before because she wanted me to have dad do it. But I explain a night or too before how and why I hated my father, and then she came out and said she'd be proud to do it. She said too that she still thought it was sad for dad not to get to do it. But here's my reasoning: My dad did shit bugger-all to help raise me or make me who I am today. He gave me insecuriteies about my weight, a distrust of men, the well pounded=in idea that people are allowed to walk all over me and I can't stand up for myself because they are more important than me, a scar on my hand because he refused to take me to get the gash stiched, goid only knows about the damage to my 'downstairs' when he refused to let mum take me to hospital when I fell on a sharp as shit plow wheel, and one present ever which was a piece of ply wood with legs in green roof paint for me to draw on.... The man sucks ass. He has hurt and betrayed my mother and me, fuck me over mentally in so many ways, and has down nothing to make me who I am... He still thinks he has though. He thinks his occasional lectures about 'life' helped me become me... But he only started them after I'd already accomplished all the things he was yammering about. Who I am is thanks to my mother, Frenchy when we were still best buddies, Elvis, Nathon, my karate teacher Roger, and to a LOT of hard work on my part that no-one ever hears about or sees becuase it all happens inside. Also, to a 50% all the bad shit I've gone through has acutally shaped me, but I'm trying to eliminate the bad effects and turn them into good ones. I want to be stronger because of it, not weaker, not to let them have any part of me any longer. So ha.

Gail and her man Warren, and Chaos and Mayhem came for Easter, so we had a big egg hunt and a lot of carbonated beverages.... But Gail is so remote latley, not even mum can reacher her. And the boys are acting out, spying on Gail for their father, which made mum angry. But I get it. He's their dad, and he lives with his partner's two other boys their age and barely spends any time with his own sons when he has them. The boys are probably scared shitless that he wont love them if they don't do it. Things are bad for Gail and family. It was not a nice atmosphere....
But my man decided to come down to sweep me away from it a day early... So we had the sexiest, longest and most socially unacceptable reunion in the McDonald's car park of my home town. It was AWESOME!!!! I could tell you about the secluded turn off near my house and Armyguy's tailgate.... but I'd get a little embarrassed.... hehehehe. Let's simply say, I have no idea how the two of us kept so cool meeting my folks.... But mum liked him, even if dad was his usual assy self, and Warren was a prick like always.... We went swimming in our home-made pool which was freezing, but for the first time in my life I felt completely comfortable in my bikini... and he's the first person outside my family who have seen me in it, without boardshorts and all!!! So we stayed one night at my house and went home the next day. 90% because I couldn't stand it anymore... The drive home was the coolest four hours I have ever spent in a car... we had great fun! I'm pretty sure there's a piece of forrest out there that will be forever shell shocked.... but, like I said, we had fun...

Saw V for Vendetta the other night... it was fucking cool. (Sorry Elvis, if you still wanna see it, and see it with me, I'd be MORE than happy to come along!) It was the most beautiful movie I have ever seen, which no one will get, I suppose.... But for me the message about personal freedome vs. 'safty' and 'comfort' struck a very intense chord with me... My friend Chayne gave me a quote today from Winston Churchill which basiclly said that people who trade free will for safty deserve neither. And its true.

Oh, yeah... and I have knee high black boots... They are INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!! Armyguy put a pair on hold for me while I was away and they were the only pair in my size left!!! It was so sweet of my baby... And I look pretty darn cool in them.

Well, that seems to be it pretty much... Sorry to unload in such a rush, but I've been desperate to get it all down before something else happens and the time line really fucks up...:D

So until next time, please remember:
Freedom may cost your life, but complacent safty costs you your soul.

With love and a lime milkshake,
Sugarburn

I'm worried about my chosen occupation.
Not because I suck at the uni work required to complete a degree with sufficent strength to obtain me entrance into the Australian Psychological Association or what have you bunch of jumped up degree having swine who drink wine and make APA style refferenceing harder just for kicks on a friday night when nothings on the telly...
Not becuase I hate the idea of having to do what my folks want me to do and get a job where I can charge a fat whingy rich man $180 an hour so he can complain about his wife having it off with the pool boy when he loved him first...
Not because I refuse to move anywhere remotly urbane where finding this rich guy would be possible.
But because I'm worried about how well I can take hearing how unhappy people are. It seriously tears me apart inside, and I know thats just my friends and family, but I know how attached I get to people... my patients would become friends and surrogate family until the point where their pain would rip me apart enough that I'd take a double barrel shotgun to my own head.
This week has been marked by the pain of three of the men closest to me: my brother, my best friend and my boyfriend. And today it all crashed in on top of me and I had the biggest funk out ever, which included me being a complete bitch to Armyguy and wanting to rip off this McDonalds employees head and poor the defrosting frozen coke down his throat. I would love to conveniently blame PMS... not possible. I know what it is. Everyone came to me with their pain this week and I nearly couldn't take it. I don't want it to sound like I don't care about them or that I don't want to hear about it, all I'm trying to say is that it burnt me out. And that's just three people over one week... how many patients with similar or worse problems could I fit in in a day??
I'll work it out, I guess. I usually do.
I worried about never wanting to have sex again. I even went as far as to plan to take a knife to the down stairs area in an attempt to gross out anyone I weakened to and was about to sleep with. I worked it out. Mostly.
I worry about a lot of stuff... none of which I wish to share, the above was hard enough... But I work it out, quite like, in my own time, and this will be no different.
I know I can't cahnge my course, or drop out. There's a certain amount of death that would result from that from the parental ones. And I really want to help people, enough so that maybe what I go through wont matter if I do my job well enough to be of use to some one. And I know what I will do on the off-days I have from work when I get to have some... I will be an author and an artist and I will poor myself out there and maybe that will be enough.
Anyway... Have to go have dinner with my man now... spice rice is nice lol. So I'm gonna stop whinging about things that havn't happened yet and go have fun.
Until the next time just remember:
Never tell a joke
That ain't that funny more than once
And if you wanna hear God laugh,
Tell Him your plans
-Van Zant: Help Sombody

Love and all the pretty ribbons,
*Burn

I know... you've been waiting for this! My newest list! I'm sure you are sooooo excited... (insert hacking and gagging here... I don't believe that for a minute...lol).
I'm waiting for my man to come home, and my assignment is done(about bloody time too), so you get a list!! But not Just any list, but The Amazing Ever-Changing Huge and Comfy List of What Uni Teaches You That You Don't Have To Write an Essay On In 2000 Words or Less Beofre The Due Date.

1.
Condoms are more fun than ciggerettes...

2.
If in doubt, spend your last dollar on a caffinated beverage.

3.
Drunks are so cute...

4.
Time is a fluid property... and you can never get it out of the carpet.

5.
Toast, cashew nuts and chocolate can all stand in for actual food in a time of crisis.

6.
Being an individual just means you blend in with the freaks... Being normal means you get pointed at and poked with sharpened sticks...

7.
The words 'sexual harrassment' hold a LOT of ka-pow.

8.
Mathematicians are snobs... 'I can use a Casio and make you feel inferior at the same time... hawhaw!! Feel the burn!!!!'

9.
People on the internet send you naked photos... so get a bigger hard drive.

10.
Crying can get you an extension on that crap assignment: pros only, don't try this at home...

11.
Popular people make noise. Learn to breath deeply and dream of a mute button.

12.
No matter how out-there you're music tastes are... there's a 9 year old somehwere with your exact CD collection.

13.
Salt can make anything taste less like baboon armpit... unless, of course, your living in a residential college... then your on your own.

14.
Midnight is the new 10pm... midday is the new 9am... miss class and deal with it...

15.
Searching car parks for money is a perfectly acceptable way to boost your budget...

16.
Friends don't let friends have drunken sex with a stranger... alone.

17.
X-treme anti-socialness is possible in an urban setting so long as you have an I-Pod, a distainful glare, curtains and a nice right arm...

18.
Commando may sound sexy... all it really means is you didn't have a dollar for the washing this week...

19.
People are weird... don't make eye contact.

and

20.
I have matured to relasise that that weird look my borther gives me is awe and interest. My brother loves me, and he likes me, and I make him laugh. He is not trying to decide which mental institution is the one most likely to hold me...

HELLOOOOOOO!!!!!
I wrote a wonderful blog last night... didn't save it properly so now it is lost to the cosmos... At least Armyguy read it before it died... it was about him mostly anyway... hehe.

My brother's partner's father died today. I paniced so badly because Trev was crackly over the mobile phone and upset too, and I couldn't hear him well, and couldn't tell if he said Stacy or her father had died. Her father had been very sick for a really long time, and Stacy often said it'd be a blessing if he passed. But it does not make it less painful for my brother and Stacy and her family. Trev sounded so shattered on the phone. He is coming around sometime to see me, I think he just wants to be around family and be away from the ground zero of the pain. I am scared because I don't know what to do... I mean, I do loosely: be there, hold him, listen, be kind. But I'm still scared. I have no experience in this area and but I love Trev so much, I really just want to soothe him somewhat. I'll do my best.

I told my mum about me and Armyguy. Not the more interesting stuff, for damn sureD, just that we are dating. She was way cooler about it than I'd imagined , especially after I'd explained how happy I am and how well he treats me, and how different he is to the other guys I've dated. She really wants to meet him, which tells me she picks up on how much I care about him (I love him, but I can't tell my mum because 'love' panics my mother, especially because she thinks I haven't a clue about wheither I'm in love or not). She wants to have lunch with him when she and dad come to pick me up for the holidays... Which scares me stiff. Not because I don't think they'll like him, but because he's the first of my boyfriends that my parents will ever have met. Which is good, because he is lightyears better than any man I have ever dated. But better doesn't really sit right with me... He's honest, and sincere, he really truely cares about me, he gives me all these little things that I have secretly always wanted from a man. He takes care of me, he respects me, he makes me feel like a whole, beautiful person. Things other men have done to me, either physically or emotionally, he has never done and swears never to do, without even knowing that I've experienced them already. I'll deny it in a court of law, but its made me cry more'n once how he cares for me and how he nice treats me, and the things he says and does. I just remember all the times I gave myself away to men who treated me like crap. Then I look at my man and I feel so happy and safe and loved. And it makes me wish I'd waited for Armyguy. And I mean that in all the senses of the word.

I get to see my bestest sister Gail on the holidays! And Chaos And Mayhem, my fantabulous nephews. Which should be great. Especially since there'll be chocolate involved...:b Last Easter I worked right through Easter, and now I get to spend it with my folks and Gail and the boys... thats a step up! But on the down side, Megz wanted us all to go camping, and I can't go which is bummer. Armyguy might be picking me up from my folks place now... which should be cool. I like driving with my man and the 4 hours from my place to home here would be easy done with him .

Jeezz, am I broke! I have a total of 9 cents in my bank account, and $3.20 in my purse. LOL I feel that is a nice job to do on my funds!!! Ok, actually, it pisses me off more'n a little... I had $4.50, but I broke down and bought a can of coke... lol Its ok... I get money from my folks tomorrow. But the thing is, if Trev comes over and wants to go somewhere to eat, which is unlikly in a state of greif, but hey, everyone reacts different, I won't have enough to pay for myself. WHich burns me. Trev wouldn't care, he'd pay for me, but I would care: I would be manically annoyed at myself...

Trev just called... he'll be here in about a half hour. Yikes! Ok... I'm gonna go and tidy my room a tad... not like he'd care... Anyway... I'm scared mow... wish me... uh, luck? I don't know.

Until next time remember:
Its better to be hated for who you are, than be loved for who your not....

Big hugs and a purple penguin,
*Burn