After spending three days together with no time limit, no bedtime, nowhere to be, just reconnecting and relaxing and loving each other, this week is a big fat shock to the system. He's gone again two hours away to some deadend town to work with his boss for three days. I'm at a loss I guess. Especially after having him with me 24/7 for a while.
Our anniversary trip was amazing... all we did was have long baths, make love, talk, read, sleep in and eat. It was our idea of heaven. We're still the only couple we know who could spend three days in an isolated cabin in the rainforest, with no TV, DVD's, phone, cell reception, or anything, and not only love it but think it was great, never run out of stuff to talk about, and not even get a little sick of each other. lol It was perfect. Nathon cooked for me most of the time, and it turns out he is the master of the Barbeque lol. We stayed in the bath for hours until we got pruny, ate breakfast every morning on the balcony overlooking the rainforest, snuggled up on the lounge under the doona and talked for ages listening to dodgy 80's music lol.
Now I'm all alone again, eating microwaved leftovers, hugging his pillow for company and haning on his calls from the hotel lobby. I hate it. I want him home, and I want this stupid training fortnight to be over with already. I want hugs and kisses that are not detailed over the phone, I want to go to bed and wake up with him every day. I want to watch Criminal Minds on Wednesday and have him there to hold me if I get scared. I don't want to shower alone, or make eggs for one for dinner every night this week. But I won't get what I want for a goodly while yet and there's no use being a whingy sook about it.

I'm not going home for Christmas this year. We're not going to Nathon's either. We're staying home so we can have our very own Christmas for the first time, in our own house, together, alone. i know it will be amazing and beautiful.
BUT....
But my mum wants me to come home. She's afraid of looking worse than my mother-in-law so she's doing a more subtle number than she normally would. So far for the past three months EVERY conversation we have has a mention of what I'm doing for Christmas... she's tried coaxing me with gifts and shopping, tried to guilt me with 'I can't buy things on my own for Christmas' which is horse hooey because even when I help her shop she never listens to me anyway. She's tried to guilt me into coming becuase if I don't my dog may die before I get back home (he's not knocking on heavens door, apart form a managable pooper problem he's A+ healthy). She even made me feel guilty for leaving her alone at Christmas with dad, who is the Grinch who ignored Chrismas completely. But heck, she married him. She stayed with him when she knew it would have been better for her and I to not be with him anymore. She took him back after that stupidity he pulled. Its her fault she's stuck with him, I'm not responsible for my parents' marriage or my mother's happiness (especially when she won't even take any responsability for it herself).
Am I wrong for this? I feel bad, sure, I was raised to believe everythign was my fault and my mother's unhappiness was my fault always. So I'm going to feel bad, there's no getting around that (but I'm woring on it!) But I mean, I'm still going to spend Christmas here, with Nathon. It would take hell freezing over before I'd give in and give up my perfect Christmas to go back there and be insulted and whinged at for goodness only knows how long because I'm not a stick insect, because Gid forbid I kiss and hug my fiance, and becuase my hair is long and mum prefered the goth bob. Arggh. I want to have a happy Christmas just once. I want to decorate our tiny tree with Nathon, unwrap our gifts together early in the morning, make a huge Christmas lunch, stay in and ignore the world together.

Is it so wrong that I want to live my own life, instead of being a mechanism to make my mother happy after she's realized she's all alone and made some bad choices?? She has to live her own life, and she tells me I have to live mine, but I think she means only when she doesn't decide she wants me around.